This is the guest post by Hal Licino.

Googling “get rich online” will return 17.7 million sites. I can save you a lot of surfing and give you the bottom line on all these sites, yes, all 17.7 million of them bar none. They don’t work. Why? Because they all offer some or all of these Top 10 Ways in some permutation or another, and these are the ways that guarantee anything other than online riches. Take a deep breath and let those neurons start firing for a moment: Do you really think that if Mr. X had found the way to make $100,000 a day online while he quaffed Dom Perignon on the deck of his Chris Craft off Key West he would offer to tell you exactly how he did it in exchange for your $19.95? Of course there are testimonials! They’re verifiable too!

“Hal Licino is a deity incarnate. Not only did he teach me the secrets of how to make millions while I slept, but also showed me his secret braciole recipe, and was kind enough to impregnate my previously barren wife!” - Richard Visage, dick_face@idiotsrus.com

Are you up to betting a plugged nickel that when you email “Dick” at his address it’s really Hal replying? Hey! You’re catching on!

So since you’re already so receptive to finding out the truth behind the get rich online by Tuesday schemes, here are the Top 10 Ways to make sure you never get rich online:

Cheat - Google “cheat google” and you’ll get over 20,000 sites which will show you the ultimate way to get to be the number one listing in whatever keyword you desire, and all you have to do is send $49.95 for their e-book. Congratulations. You’re a fool who is now fifty bucks lighter. The e-books and other guaranteed instructions on how to cheat search engines only cheat you. The only 100% guaranteed way to ensure that you will be number one in any given keyword is to buy Google. Their current market cap is $153 billion, so I hope you’ve been saving your lunch money.

Count On Your AdSense Earnings - I started blogging on HubPages well over a year ago. In that time, I’ve published 234 articles, many of which virtually taken up residence on the Hot and Best Hub pages, and one of which got a quarter million page views! My total Google AdSense earnings to date have yet to exceed $500! How could that be? Everyone knows that page views equal cash! I have news for all the Online Einsteins. When you publish a popular article and it gets a flood of attention from Slashdotters, Diggers, etc. those people don’t click on your ads! Surprise! Sure you get the page views, but the click through is miniscule and it actually drops down your CPM! Did you really expect some professional jaded know-it-all Slashdotter to arrive at your site and squeal in delight “Wow, look! I can buy an IMac for only $999!” and click on your little ad? Duh!

Spin Content - Article spinners are great! Plug in 500 words of some ripped off blather about “avoiding foreclosure,” “repair your credit,” “how to bed women,” or “natural alternatives to Viagra” and soon you’ll have ten thousand “unique” articles that will pass Copyscape and will attract the search engine bots to your site like bears to honey. Unfortunately these articles will be incomprehensible to the average bear, and will also guarantee your site a clickthrough of zero.

Blog - Unless you have some secret unobtaininum formula to rapidly achieve the popularity of a Perez Hilton, Arianna Huffington, Michael Arrington, Robert Scoble or Seth Godin, you will wear your fingers to the bone and still not be able to make the rent. It’s not that your words aren’t any good (although they very well may be) but now that everybody and his kid sister has a blog, imagine a single grain of sand making itself unique enough to distinguish itself from its fellow grains on Waikiki Beach and you’ll start to understand the odds that are against you buying that new Lamborghini with your blog money.

E-books - Imagine that! You can publish a book, make it available to millions of people around the world, and all without cutting down one lousy little tree or dealing with Ingram, Amazon and the rest of the Book Publishing Mafia! Great idea! Except for the fact that 1) you’ll sell three if you’re lucky, and 2) you’re certain that one of the first three to buy your book will upload it to rapidshare and then thousands of people will enjoy your words, but you certainly won’t get paid for it. My international print bestselling book is one of the top downloads from rapidshare, so I can certainly tell you all about it.

Porn - There are so many millions of extremely well-financed porn sites on the Wild Wicked Web that unless you can come up with some totally innovative sexual act that hasn’t already been explored in every intimate detail (good luck), then the only person gaining a Master’s in Bation from your site will be you.

Play Poker - I have one thing in common with Daniel Negreanu: we both have the same hometown. When it comes to any other mortal making any real money playing poker, especially online, don’t make plans to buy that Lear Jet quite yet.

Engage In Affiliate/MLM Marketing - Wow! You can make a 50% commission on every sale! Did you ever stop to think that 50% of nothing is nothing, and that the only people stupid enough to want to buy whatever junk you’re hawking don’t have the money to buy it?

Online Trading - All you need is to have some well placed moles in the boardrooms of a few Fortune 500 corporations who don’t fear the SEC nor their Draconian policies against insider trading and who are willing to share this information with you, rather than just use it themselves, and you are set! You’ll be making money hand over fist! And if you can pull it off, you might even get to stay in Martha Stewart’s old cell!

Produce Junk Content - Everyone knows that most internet surfers are pimple-gobbed illiterate wankers anyway, so why bother putting pearls before swine? Stick in some Crysis screenshots and plenty of buxom topless chicks amidst some nonsense about Halo 3, Rock Band and Bioshock cheats and watch your ISP’s servers blow up from all the traffic. Not exactly. The only only only way to get traffic reliably and over the long run is to publish content that is well-researched and supported, exquisitely crafted, literate, comprehensive, and totally unique.

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